You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
