i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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