this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
