mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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