It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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