the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
