Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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