At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
