My liver just broke up with me...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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