If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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