I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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