I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
