The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
