Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
