Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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