I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
