Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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