Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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