I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
