My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
