I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
