Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
