I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
