Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
