i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
