Midget sex pt 2 tonight
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
