I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
