theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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