I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
COCAINE IS GR8
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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