so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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