Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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