Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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