I'm so fucking centered right now
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
