My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize