Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
