The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
