Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
