If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
