I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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