Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
