JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I could make wine with my vomit
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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