we have pet lesbian snakes
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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