The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
