grandma shit on top of the toilet
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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