I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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