You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
