my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
