if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
