I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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