his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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