eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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