watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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