Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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