I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
