thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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