Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
