so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
