i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
