Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
