Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
