i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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